My Thoughts.
A tumblr that notes the random thoughts of a college student living in Los Angeles.
Fight on.
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”The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (via mostexerent)
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Coming Home
Somebody explained to me the difference between being a nomad and a traveler the other day.
Nomad: a person who wanders and calls home wherever he/she happens to be at.
Traveler: a person who wanders yet returns to a single place where he/she calls home.
I am a traveler. There is nothing in the world I love more than the exploration of a new city. The anticipation of discovery, the satisfaction of finding like-minded people, and the joy of making a difference in a foreign place. There is just so much to see and so much to learn. Traveling provides such an irreplaceable lesson on perspective and that is true no matter how far you are traveling away from home. A trip to Las Vegas can teach you just as much as a trip to New Zealand. There is so much value to gain by simply going to a place that you’ve never been and meeting with people unlike the ones you normally surround yourself with.
But one thing also becomes incredibly clear for travelers when they travel:
Home is also irreplaceable.
Coming home is just an unbelievably warm feeling. The smile that creeps up when you see a familiar face being away for a long time. The comfort of people that know you better than you know yourself. All of that is priceless and absolutely cannot be erased.
Traveling is phenomenal. I am the first person to tell you that. But one of the most underrated part of traveling is coming home.
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Today.
I havent had such an emotional day in so long…
For the majority of this year, I’ve held it together. I’ve learned from previous times in my life that you toughen up when you don’t want to get hurt. You say the punchline before the other person says it because when you make fun of yourself, others can’t be the ones to hurt you. You stop liking the other person before they stop liking you because then you can have the false illusion that you made the choice instead of feeling rejected. You simply get a thicker set of skin and hope that the insecurities and pain don’t break through. Hope that you keep it together.
Today, I felt hurt. Today, I felt unworthy and not good enough. Not good enough because there are girls who are nicer, smarter, prettier, skinnier, and funnier than I am. Not good enough because no matter what, I can’t escape that title of a friend. Im the one they talk football with, not the one they look at with adoring eyes and longing. Im the one they invite over to watch a movie, but never out to a date. I am the one who gets forgotten.
I think I do a good job of taking care of other people most of the time. I don’t get wasted and make terrible decisions. I don’t end up bawling in front of the bathroom and throwing up. I don’t break down because I feel unvalidated.
But today, all I wanted was to be taken care of. All I wanted was for someone to hold me and tell me that I am perfect just the way that I am, that I didn’t need to compete with girls who are “more” than me. More Christian, more loving, just more than the person that I am. Today, I wanted to be remembered.
Well, today, I cried. I cried a lot. I cried because I wish that things were different. But they’re not. And I cried because there’s no way to change them.
But I had the comfort of some of my closest sorority sisters. I had the comfort of knowing that these girls will always take care of me and these girls will tell me that I am perfect and wonderful without having to try and compete. I had the comfort that these girls will let me stain their pillows with tears and fill their trashcans with tissues yet still not give up on me. I had the comfort of their company in a time when I felt alone. And I love them for it.
So today was an emotional day. But tomorrow will be better.
